I’m a 30-year-old single Christian woman.
I know. I know what you’re thinking right now. “Woah. Still no husband? The pickings are slimmmmmm girl.”
And while they definitely are, I want to talk to my single girls today who are in their late 20s to early 30s, or even older. I want to talk about the struggle and the tension to fit in.
According to American church culture, I am way past my prime.
In fact, if I were in a regency era anything, I would be in my eighth season and nearly committing to a life of spinsterhood. And while sometimes I can laugh at the absurdity of this thought as I’m watching Pride and Prejudice. Sometimes, if I’m being completely honest, church culture feels the same.
It started off when I was newly single, 23, and newly saved. It started with non-stop questions. Was there anyone in my life? Was I talking to anyone? The questions slowly dwindled as time went on. Yes, that may have been more to do with the tone of my response. But soon, it was none. Occasionally I’ll get the “so anyone new?” question. But it’s rare. And with that, I have officially entered Christian “spinsterhood.”
But you know what? Screw that.
Marriage is beautiful and singleness is beautiful. Neither defines or diminishes the other. Both are seasons that we are brought to by God. They have their purposes. They have their timing. And they are both important.
Whatever season you find yourself in, for however long, there is a purpose.
I was listening to a book the other day and it spoke a lot about how women just “want to be beautiful, want to be pursued by a prince, and crave pretty things.” It spoke a lot about how the feminine body is supposed to be admired, and really gender-stereotyped like nobody’s business. Needless to say, I didn’t finish it (and it took a lot of willpower to not throw my phone against the wall).
But you know what stuck out to me the most? It was such a boxing-in of women. As if our sole created purpose as women was to be pursued by future husbands, be beautiful, and talk about feelings and emotions all the time with our friends.
And I thought of how grieved God must be. Grieved that His daughters are taught that beauty and marriage are the only things that denote worth. Heartbroken that His daughters believe that their worth is determined by how perfectly demure they are. Gutted that His daughters don’t know the fullness of themselves because of a culture that has told them what cultural-Christianity expects of them.
So, here are three truths I am carrying with me this year:
1. My worth was never meant to be in anything but Jesus.
Plain and simple.
Want to know something kinda crazy? Jesus was a single 30 year-old man too. And you know what? I would say His ministry and His life were pretty dang successful as the Son of God.
But our culture has put such worth and value on marriage for women that it’s treated as if that is the one thing our lives should strive for.
And while marriage is beautiful, Jesus shows us that it isn’t the penultimate of life. Jesus’ life shows us that fullness and wholeness can happen outside of marriage. And wholeness is realized when we hunger for Jesus not hunger for a ring, or a family, or a wedding.
2. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the heroine. Just like there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the pursued princess.
I grew up with all boys. Which was interesting. Yes, I played with Barbies. But more than not we were playing Power Rangers. Yes, I always wanted to be Kimberly the Pink Ranger. But I also wanted to help take down the bad guys.
Did I want to make the fatal blow? Yes. Did I want to be held captive by the bad guy and wait to be rescued? No.
Princess Peach always seemed pointless to me.
I wanted all the Eowyn vibes. (You know … Lord of the Rings, in the last movie the woman who kills the ringwraith.)
And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with either of those realities, wishes or desires.
I have friends that wanted nothing more than to be wives and mothers and be pursued. And there is such beauty in all of their stories. I also have friends that are outside of that box.
And you know what? That’s what makes God so amazing.
When we box femininity, we box God’s creative ability.
3. It’s okay to live in the tension of desire and contentment.
I say all of this wanting to get married one day and have a family of my own. And it’s hard, for me, to live in this tension of being content in my present yet desiring for marriage in my future.
I have to daily choose to trust God that He has the best plans for me and that He has placed the desire for marriage within me. And since God isn’t cruel, He will be faithful.
So, with all things, we have to embrace this tension, even if it gets uncomfortable.
Because the truth is – He’s got beautiful stories for all of us. And I know that, because God is wildly creative – I mean, just look around you.
Each story is beautiful. And no one’s story takes away from yours and vice versa.
So maybe your Valentine’s Day was spent with your spouse, or maybe it was spent with your favorite rom-com on. Or maybe it was spent with your friends. However you celebrated, know that your worth isn’t defined by it. Know that you are valued just as you are, in the season you are in. And know that God wants to invite you into the tension of desire and contentment, but with Him.
