Check out our latest episode on Behold Women: At the Table below!
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Transcript Below:
01:25 - So to start it off, could you tell us your story? And really elaborate on how you got to this season, your call from God into nursing, and how this season has been.
For me, I mean there’s never been a time in my life that I didn’t want to be a nurse. It’s something I’ve always known I wanted to do. Since I was in 6th grade, I’ve been saying I wanted to be a nurse in the NICU. Like, I’m the type of person who was already looking into nursing schools in middle school - I just couldn’t wait to get to nursing school. So it was no surprise, senior year, when I was accepted and going off to nursing school. So i finished my four years, passed my NCLEX a month later, and now I’m here - just waiting for a job.
I remember my last semester of nursing school, we were thinking school was gonna close for an extra week after spring break. And then we never went back. And nursing school went fully online. They were even talking about us having to help out in New York State if numbers continued to increase and the demand for nurses increased as well. So the irony from maybe leaving school early because they needed us in the field, to now not having a job and not even having an interview. It’s just ironic.
04:30 - I can imagine it being frustrating because you’ve felt this call your whole life to step into nursing, and now you have the tools to walk fully in that, and now there’s no practical way to walk that out. I imagine it’s been a very frustrating waiting season.
You know, I spent the whole summer applying to jobs, but it still didn’t bother me that much that nothing was happening. When September rolled around, I was frustrated but I was so exhausted from applying that I just kinda took the month off. When October came around, I had this realization I didn’t apply to jobs in September - so I began to think about it, and those negative thoughts started coming in. I was sitting there thinking, ‘am I even supposed to do this, will I forget everything, am I going to start and they’ll say this isn’t right for me because I don’t remember things’ - it was easy for me to go down that path and start the spiral of “maybe this isn’t what God has called me to do, maybe this was all for nothing, maybe I thought this up in my head.” Or maybe I even just went through this to just go to nursing school. I seriously thought I would be the person that goes to nursing school and doesn’t become a nurse.
7:15 - I feel like for me it would affect my prayer life, bring into questions doubts about His character - questioning His faithfulness, His voice, His call, etc. I imagine wrestling with those was so frustrating but also beautiful at the same time.
Something that is helpful to me is journaling and writing down exactly how I feel - it’s something I did, and after I had my pity party, He reminded me of this statement “You didn’t come this far, just to come this far.” So it was a reminder like, yes, I didn't come this far to just come this far. And more than that, God reminded me that He wouldn’t bring me this far just to bring me this far - that’s not His character, that’s not who He is.
9:15 - So how have you embraced this tension of the now and the not yet?
This season has led me to wrestle with a lot of deeper things - like, do I really believe He’s faithful?
Just to be like - to think about things He’s done before, and to remember those things. Right before I started nursing school, I was having this big bout of anxiety related to medical things and nursing. Everyday I would come home with so much anxiety, and that led me to think maybe I’m not meant to do this because of all the anxiety it’s caused me. I was at church, at small group, and I was sharing this, and one of my friends began praying over me and the first thing she said was, “God, help Brooke to know that you don’t speak through anxiety. That if you’re telling her not to be a nurse, it’s not going to be through anxiety.” And immediately, I was just confident that God doesn’t speak through anxiety. So even now, anxiety and fear around this lack of a job, I have to remind myself that God’s not going to speak through anxiety.
12:00 - That’s so profound - it’s so true, a lot of times we’ll look for those inner disturbances to speak to God’s peace or not, but that’s such a beautiful reality. Sometimes we can get our emotions tied up with God as if He’s as volatile as us. That must be something you so cling to in this season.
Yeah, it made me think of how easy it is to immediately deflect to the idea that this isn’t the right path, instead of recognizing there’s an enemy out there who doesn’t want us to do what God wants us to do. What I’m doing is going to be so powerful in the kingdom, and I’m saying that to myself in faith, and it scares the enemy and he doesn’t want that to happen - so he’ll do whatever is in his power to prevent me from doing what God has for me.
14:00 - For me too, so many times when I’m about to make a decision or praying into God’s promises, I forget that there’s a war in the heavenlies that’s happening. There are spiritual forces, you know? The enemy doesn’t want me walking in the fullness of what God has for me, and he’s the one who will speak through lies. So when I take the enemy’s anxiety or lies and attach that to God, that’s just not true. I think of King David as you're talking - his integrity to wait out those 30 or so years before he walked in the fullness of the promise the Lord spoke. God wants to bring us to a place where we can carry the weight of that fulfillment, of that promise.
It’s so funny, a year ago today, I was sitting in a meeting for my program and they brought in a student who graduated from the same program. She had to wait until October, that’s when she started her job, and I remember sitting there laughing to myself thinking I wouldn’t have to wait until October. And look at her, she’s in better shape than me now!
God has just been reminding me that I’ve waited before and it’s turned out okay and I’ve always ended up in the right place.
17:17 - How have you been able to steward your time in the waiting?
Yeah, that’s something I struggle with - being intentional during the season. I think back to other waiting seasons and it’s always been difficult for me. I want to add to my schedule to stay busy during the waiting - I almost signed up for classes actually, and then I realized right now I have the opportunity to be still and not have a packed out schedule, and not have work impeding on my daily life. It’s hard, because the hardest part of waiting for me is feeling like I’m not doing anything - and that doesn’t feel fulfilling to me. But I think that’s really good to just sit and be, and I’m trying to enjoy that.
Something God reminded me of was that He redeems all things and He redeems all time. Right now I have an opportunity to say yes to things I wouldn’t have been able to months ago. So I almost can’t not be grateful. When God says something like that - I’m just like OK! I’m so thankful. So now every day in this process I have to remind myself that I’m okay without a job yet, and I know that this season will come to an end so I want to enjoy it in the interim.
22:03 - What does gratitude mean to you?
To me, gratitude means recognizing what God’s doing in your life. But that doesn’t have to be something specific. Sometimes it’s just saying “God, it feels like everything’s a mess right now, but I know that even when I don’t see you you’re working - and there’s something you’re doing here that I don’t see, so I’m going to praise you in spite of it.” That’s something a few years ago, God put on me to do in a season where I didn’t really have a lot of friends. I wasn’t expecting or thanking for specifics, I was just praising and thanking Him for all of the unseen things I wasn’t even aware of, I was thankful for the things He would do in the future.
In this time of learning to be grateful, it’s just pulling from these past experiences and trying to remember things He’s done before. And maybe I don’t see right now what He’s doing, but I’ve been in that position before and He’s brought good from it and done good. Since I’ve invited God into this process of waiting with me I’ve just been reminded of all of these things and seasons He’s been faithful in. I can say He’s been faithful before, so He will be faithful again.
25:50 - It’s easy to focus on those gratitude lists - I mean, I’ve done it - so I think sometimes we can ascribe gratefulness just to that practice. Even in preparing for this, I was convicted by all of the times Paul calls us to live out thanksgiving. How do you maintain a spirit of gratitude and how do you carry that through your day?
My dad was in a near fatal car accident when I was younger, and that situation really taught me how to be grateful in all circumstances and to maintain that spirit as opposed to gratitude just being something I do.
Throughout the day, it’s just reminding myself - I don’t necessarily feel joyful or grateful throughout the day, but it’s when I recognize that’s how I feel, being intentional to stop and turn my heart towards gratitude. And I just find myself being more intentional to consistently do that, and then the time in between each moment of having to stop myself is getting bigger.
32:03 - It’s so easy for me to get down those rabbit holes of words that go against what God’s spoken, so I was just thinking about the intentionality it must take.
I’m 100% a spiraler, it’s much easier for me to go down rabbit holes. But taking the time out to stop those thoughts is something I’ve had to learn. It’s taken years to really see the fruit of it too. Even just to recognize the spiral when it’s happening.
36:38 - How do you think learning gratitude has helped you approach other things you’re walking through in this season?
You know, I’m going to spin that around a bit. It’s because I’ve been able to walk out gratitude elsewhere that I’m able to do it this season. Gratitude in this season doesn’t come natural, but I’ve had to remind myself His timing truly is perfect and He will be faithful in this.
